Snapchat's Trying to Take Us the Eff Out
And things that only the eclipse can explain!
It’s a wild time right now! We could chalk it up to mercury being in retrograde AND we are on the heels of a major solar eclipse. (But we’re not sure that would explain the new trend of the women of New York being randomly punched in the face. We don’t have words.) But we do want to toss out some general rules for the next few weeks while all sorts of feelings are celestial:
Don’t text your ex.
Back up your files.
Expect communication issues.
Please don’t punch anyone.
Don’t pick best friends on Snapchat. (More on that below)
Actually, all of those tips are probably safe to abide by always. But extra important right now. Truly what else could explain SOME of these things:
Our teen idol Jenny Garth is 52?
Emily and Harrison Ford sport the same designers
Oh, and bird flu.
So, something is definitely in the air (space?). Anything unhinged happen to you this week? Let us know in the comments.
And, now perhaps the most haunting thing this week that brings back early social media PTSD.
Seems Snapchat has recently rolled out a friend ranking system similar to the good ol’ Myspace days. Remember how Myspace had a “Top 8” feature? You’d head over to a pals Myspace page only to learn that you hadn’t made the cut. Then you’d spin out for a few days wondering why. And you weren’t a teenage at the time - you were a proper adult but dammit if it still didn’t sting like a bee.
Back in 2015 - Snapchat disabled the ability to see your “Top 3” friends. But looks like in 2024 they woke up and chose violence. Because apparently the mental health crisis teens are enduring - in large part because of social media - isn’t detrimental enough. We needed to introduce a SOLAR SYSTEM ranking as part of Snapchat + for an additional $3.99/month upgrade. (HELLO, ECLIPSE MAGIC).
How do Friend Solar Systems work?
As a Snapchat+ subscriber, you’ll see a 'Best Friends' or 'Friends' badge with a gold ring around it on someone’s Friendship Profile. ‘Best Friends’ means you’re one of each other’s eight closest friends, and ‘Friends’ means you’re one of their eight closest friends, but they’re not one of yours.
We checked in with Emma W. (14) via text. She was literally checking her Snapchat + at the time.
First question we fired off — “How did you get your parent’s to spring for the additional $4 a month?” She responded with “I just asked.”
We asked if this new feature was destabilizing friend groups.
It’s not how much u like someone. Like you don’t make the list. It’s just made by who u snap the most. One of my best friends is never on snap so she’s not on my bsf list but I’m on hers ~Emma W. (14)
That does seem like an important distinction. Back in the Myspace days we hand picked our “Top 8” which does feel more pointed. To Emma’s point you could have a very best friend who just doesn’t engage with the platform.
In this new “system” your “best friends” are tagged with a planet. See below:
Tapping on the badge will show you which planet you are in their Solar System, with each planet representing a different position in their Best Friends list. For example, if your friend is the Sun and you’re Earth in their Solar System, that means you’re their third closest friend.
Mercury is the closest planet to the sun and therefore the #1 friend and Neptune is the furthest from the sun aka the #8 friend slot. (Neptunes are holding on for dear life)
Not sure if you can make out the details of this photo but the sun is a guy - who quite frankly - looks like Marc Maron. Like Marc Maron, he is too damn old to be on Snapchat. His smile dims as we go from Mercury to Neptune.
The little hearts decrease and the girl who’s sitting on each planet inches away as she goes from 1-8. Someone in the Snapchat graphics department thought long and hard about how rattle a kids self esteem. Honestly - f*ck that sun and that graphics person.
In our gut we know this is going to cause major insecurities and anxiety. WHO NEEDS IT!
In shocking news seems the devil himself, Ron DeSantis, has made a law regarding social media that — dare we say — makes sense question mark.
In this CNN article I can’t believe Ron DeSantis is right about this, but he is, we learn that Florida Law precedes kids under the age of 14 from having social media accounts and requires parental permission for 14 and 15 year olds to have them.
It also requires age verifications on sexually explicit websites. It’s unclear whether this measure can survive a constitutional challenge — and vulnerable kids also need additional protections beyond its scope. What is clear is that keeping younger kids off social networks is unquestionably what’s best for them.
Welp, that just seems to make sense. Who woulda thunk. IT REALLY IS MERCURY RETROGRADE!
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